It's another Saturday night, and I'm reduced to inter-blogging, crocheting, drinking apple-banana Juicy Juice, and watching Antiques Roadshow with my boyfriend.

With this aspect of my life, I'm pleased.

An update:

I still work a management position at a crappy retail fabric store for crappy pay. I still don't have life figured out, but here's where I stand: I'm pregnant--which is totally putting a damper on my alcoholism. The baby's father is a total jerk-off. I have a great boyfriend who is standing up and taking the role of "dad." For this I am thankful. That said, this is the lonliest place I've ever been.

I move a bit down the road (and then some) to an apartment that has income restrictions. At twenty-three I never anticipated that this was where I'd be in life. It's a constant fight to exist happily (at the risk of sounding melodramatic). I just never thought I'd be here.

I guess I really don't have it together, or at least not as much as I thought I did.

The hope of the situation is that I will make it and hopefully be a stronger person because of this. I'm embracing the motherhood bit. I'm embracing the deliciousness of peanut butter and potato chip sandwiches.

I haven't written in months, and it's not likely to change soon. This doesn't upset me as much as I assume it should.

I'm cutting this short as melodrama is sure to ensue. I hope all are doing well in mind, body, and writer's spirit.

Somebody, drink a fuckin single malt scotch in my name.

months ago, i saw an advertisement for "p.s. i love you" in theatres. i was with frank, and as per usual i showed no interest in what appeared to be a sap story. i'm now sitting alone in my living room watching what could be the loneliest movie i've ever seen. the acting is poor; the storyline is slow-moving and un-involving, but the movie is still sad...more for what isn't there than what is. i can't imagine losing someone to death only to have them haunt me with letters he wrote pre-death (and gifts and cakes) for months after he had gone. all in all, i don't recommend it, but that may be because i'm a little bit sensitive to death at the moment.

here's why:

[link]

this little boy, zakary, is a friend of mine's son. last week he was hit and killed by a car (the driver was a friend of the mother's as well). thursday morning kimber and i drove to new castle, pennsylvania for the funeral. so much sorrow surrounds children's deaths. people told stories...little anecdotes, but all i could think about was what zakary was supposed to grow up to be. we'd never know if he was going to write a best-selling self-help book or if he would find a cure for AIDS. maybe he was going to be an alcoholic; we'll never know.

life has sucked this past week. a now ex-boyfriend was not good to me on monday latelate. hooray for emergency rooms and gentle doctors' hands. david g. drove down to mary immaculate with me, and stevo met us down there. i think i've made out okay--a little bit of a black eye and a few stitches.

at this point i'm trying in earnest not to be a broken girl. so much is going wrong, and i'm fighting to keep from being swept away with the current.

work is unceasingly stressful. the company advertises competitive wages but doesn't authorize us to hire at anything higher than minimum wage. therefore, i can't keep good employees or get rid of bad ones. there's no one else to work their shifts. there is always something to do and very little time to get it done.

school starts soon. it will be a welcome reprieve.

neil--Castaways and Cutouts. i did not forget.

good health to all.

...We be teasin' women and shit...

(two points if you know what that is from)

I have not fallen off the face of the earth, readers. As many of you know, I had a pretty serious relationship end mid-February, and since I've not been around much. As always, I still lurk, and all of your new works/ journals are sitting in my inbox waiting to be read/ commented (on...pardon the grammar).

I thought the relationship's end would be my end for a while. I thought my life revolved around it. Maybe it did for a while, but that's not healthy, and I'm on the road to being 100% better. I feel much better now, realizing that the whole thing was bogus. Lies continue to be told. Half-truths. Mis-communications and the like. On his part, not mine. To make a long story short, he's moved to the other end of the state, still says he wants to be friends, but doesn't have the decency to be honest about why he can't even return phone calls. Truth be told I don't think I ever loved him though I convinced myself that I did. The pain I felt has been replaced by repulsion. I so want to tell him this, but we aren't talking. I'm pretty convinced that he's not a good person, but I still want him to say all the things he's not saying.

For the last three weeks, I've been seeing someone new. A sniper none-the-less. There's something alluring about Army men. Things are going well. My circle of friends has grown into a normal group that has zero conflict or drama, and everyone involved isn't interested in screwing everyone else over. Plus we race high-performance American muscle cars.

On the note of cars, I have a new one...my dream of an 04 Mustang GT. I'm crazy excited, but I'm keeping my other Mustang as the daily driver.

Also, I move to Farmville in five days. School went well this semester, and I've bulked my GPA up big time. Life is good on this side of the fence; it's a shame I didn't notice it before.

Writing-wise: I've written something else that I think will knock everyone's socks off--though I noticed a lack of comment-whoring on my last two pieces. This should be fixed.

Out of curiosity, what are your current top 5 albums?
Mine are (in no particular order):

Illinoise
Era Vulgaris
In Bocca al Lupo
A Sun Came
By the Way

Cows in Art Class

good weather
is like
good women-
it doesn't always happen
and when it does
it doesn't
always last.


man is
more stable:
if he's bad
there's more chance
he'll stay that way,
or if he's good
he might hang
on,
but a woman
is changed
by
children
age
diet
conversation
sex
the moon
the absence or
presence of sun
or good times.


a woman must be nursed
into subsistence
by love
where a man can become
stronger
by being hated.



I am drinking tonight in Spangler's Bar
and I remember the cows
I once painted in Art class
and they looked good
they looked better than anything
in here.

I am drinking in Spangler's Bar
wondering which to love and which
to hate, but the rules are gone:
I love and hate only
myself-
they stand outside me
like an orange dropped from the table
and rolling away; it's what I've got to
decide:

kill myself or
love myself?
which is the treason?
where's the information
coming from?

books...like broken glass:
I wouldn't wipe my ass with 'em
yet, it's getting
darker, see?

(we drink here and speak to
each other and
seem knowing.

)

buy the cow with the biggest
tits
buy the cow with the biggest
rump.



present arms.



the bartender slides me a beer
it runs down the bar
like an Olympic sprinter
and the pair of pliers that is my hand
stops it, lifts it,
golden piss of dull temptation,
I drink and
stand there
the weather bad for cows
but my brush is ready
to stroke up
the green grass straw eye
sadness takes me all over
and I drink the beer straight down
order a shot
fast
to give me the guts and the love to
go
on.



from "poems written before jumping out of an 8 story window" - 1966--Charles Bukowski


Optimistic today. Went out for tea with someone new. Life will go on; I'm making sure. Send hope my way.

Love to all.

For the first time since I've been aware of stoplights, I did not throw my hand up while going through a yellow light today. To hell with bets and superstitions; I'm tired of the inconvenience. I also did not say "paddiddle" or "kerdiddle" when I saw a car with its headlights out, though I thought of him when I saw them and smiled. I actually smiled. For much of today I was unsure of what to do with myself. I ended up sitting on the edge of my bed, alone in this empty house staring at myself in the mirror and periodically shouting/ crying. We never did finish watching Lonesome Dove, but I think that's appropriate. Right now, the outlook for me isn't as bleak as it was twelve hours ago. Life goes on, and so must I. Don't think it's because I'm holding out for a relationship in the future either, because I'm not. Not even holding out for the possibility that I'll get my best friend back. A firm believer in karma, I'm convinced that if it's meant to be, it will be. There is no force in caring for another person, and if being healthy means being gone...well, I'm okay with that. I sought affirmation in a relationship. Affirmation that I didn't need to get from another person, because, face it, I've never been dependent like that in the past, and it's silly to think that I could justify doing it in the present. I'm a lot less bitter than I thought I'd be too. I'm pretty sure that that's because the relationship fizzled out four months ago and all mourning and misery is old hat. I am doing one thing the way I've done it in the past because it works for me. I've confined him to a bag inside a box. Haven't taken off the jewelry he's given me yet, but that will come in time. That too is a damn shame because I actually like it. I don't want to answer questions from acquaintences yet though. In my time, I will. There's a lot that I'm going to remember fondly. Even though the last four months have been hell, I'll remember him with great warmth. I hope he can say the same, and I wish him all the health in the world. As for the future, I'm writing good stuff again. I made a to-do list and did everything on it today. That's a start. I've stopped crying and feel optimistic. I'm here. I will wake up in the morning and continue to function. I'll hold my head high and hope for the best because I'm doing what it takes to succeed.

There is still love in my heart that won't die. To let go is my greatest gift.

All my love,

K.