For the first time since I've been aware of stoplights, I did not throw my hand up while going through a yellow light today. To hell with bets and superstitions; I'm tired of the inconvenience. I also did not say "paddiddle" or "kerdiddle" when I saw a car with its headlights out, though I thought of him when I saw them and smiled. I actually smiled. For much of today I was unsure of what to do with myself. I ended up sitting on the edge of my bed, alone in this empty house staring at myself in the mirror and periodically shouting/ crying. We never did finish watching Lonesome Dove, but I think that's appropriate. Right now, the outlook for me isn't as bleak as it was twelve hours ago. Life goes on, and so must I. Don't think it's because I'm holding out for a relationship in the future either, because I'm not. Not even holding out for the possibility that I'll get my best friend back. A firm believer in karma, I'm convinced that if it's meant to be, it will be. There is no force in caring for another person, and if being healthy means being gone...well, I'm okay with that. I sought affirmation in a relationship. Affirmation that I didn't need to get from another person, because, face it, I've never been dependent like that in the past, and it's silly to think that I could justify doing it in the present. I'm a lot less bitter than I thought I'd be too. I'm pretty sure that that's because the relationship fizzled out four months ago and all mourning and misery is old hat. I am doing one thing the way I've done it in the past because it works for me. I've confined him to a bag inside a box. Haven't taken off the jewelry he's given me yet, but that will come in time. That too is a damn shame because I actually like it. I don't want to answer questions from acquaintences yet though. In my time, I will. There's a lot that I'm going to remember fondly. Even though the last four months have been hell, I'll remember him with great warmth. I hope he can say the same, and I wish him all the health in the world. As for the future, I'm writing good stuff again. I made a to-do list and did everything on it today. That's a start. I've stopped crying and feel optimistic. I'm here. I will wake up in the morning and continue to function. I'll hold my head high and hope for the best because I'm doing what it takes to succeed.

There is still love in my heart that won't die. To let go is my greatest gift.

All my love,

K.